Complications
by Avagrabo
Summary: Sanosuke Sagara leads a weird-ass life. Between his pyromanical best friend, his evil kitsune be-deviler, and the former revolutionary assassin who might just have a crush on him, his existence is pretty complicated. But it's funny too! R+R please!
1. Katsu

Complicated: Sanosuke's Story

Chapter 1: Katsu (Written to DC Talk, The Matrix OST, and The Beastie Boy's Hello Nasty')

(My writing project for Idaho begins! Since I took down my old Sano story for repairs, I figured I should really write a new, better, and funny one to replace it, lest I become unworthy of my pen name. It may be posted all at once when I get home, depending on how much I've written and whether I waste Stealiana's time by getting her to edit it. Which reminds me, props to my usual list of authors I freely admit are better than me; MindMelda, Stealiana, The one I can't spell but it looks French and has a J, and the other one I can't spell but it's two words and they both start with I and she's the best ever. Yeah. I'm gonna go write now. Enjoy!)

(Sano: Author-san, you forgot the disclaimer!

T3h jack: Oh yeah! I don't own ANYTHING, I'm broke and living off my parents.

Sano: Poor Jack-kunyou work to hard, anata!)

A beautiful day dawned over 19th century Tokyo. Housewives (and a certain former revolutionary assassin) were up early cooking for their husband (or landlord in the case of the Hitokiri), children played in the early morning light, and the famous cherry trees bloomed in springtime perfection.

Neither of this chapter's main characters was awake.

Neither were they awake later, at 9:00, when Kenshin's carefully prepared breakfast was wolfed down by Kaoru and Yahiko.

Or at 10:00, when Megumi nearly beat down Sanosuke's door in frustration.

At noon, Katsuhiro woke up, felt the hangover, and decided he was safer going back to sleep.

It was, then, about 3:00 PM when Sano, whose hangover was, if possible, even worse, was awakened by Katsu's incessant pounding.

"KatsuI know we're old war buddies and best friends, but if you ever wake me up with a hangover like this again I WILL fujita no kiwamae your ass right to our beloved Captain Sagara. Wakarimasu ka?"

"Wakarimasu, Sanosuke, but we need to have a little talk. About my favorite gunpowder merchant. And his broken arm. And the rumor that last night-" "This morning," Interjected Sano.

"Right. This morningwhere was I?" Katsu looked at Sano, who was innocently attempting to de-crust his eyes.

"Oh yes. Anyway, and the rumor that this morning a man with Aku on his jacket broke into his shop and threw him into the wall across the street." Sano was now very interestedly inspecting a lock of his hair that had somehow fallen from the reverse gravity field surrounding his head.

"Sano." He looked up. "Oh, what, Katsu?" Sano even tried his winning innocence smile.

Katsu had known him for FAR to long for THAT to work. "Why did you break his arm, Sano?"

The Zanza sighed. "You know how many times this has happened? He's one of the richest explosive peddlers in Japan, Katsu! Every time we go out drinking until 5 in the morning, you start talking about Captain Sagara, and how his ideals have been perverted, and how it makes you want to just blow it all up, and then you get this really weird look of drunken deviousness in your eyes and wander off claiming Not that I personally would blow anything up!'."

It was Katsu's turn to find something FASCINATING about his rather worn sandals, and how if you wiggle your toes you can see them through the worn-out tabi.

"And in the morning you show up and tell me to come over, and your cabinet is bulging with gunpowder, which you spend the next few days making into bombs until I threaten to tell Kenshin and you whine and moan until I point out that you can always dig them up later, and we both spend a hard and sweaty day burying them all."

Katsu had found a point of great interest right above Sano's left shoulder to stare at.

"And so I decided that this time I wasn't going to let you increase that goddamn vendor's profit margin OR the explosive content of the hills surrounding this city, not to mention reducing the amount of cash you have to lend me so I can go out gambling. Or drinking, which I hereby am swearing off for a month."

He caught sight of Katsu hiding some sniggering behind a hand. "What!?"

"Oh come on, Sano, you'll be drunk within 24 hours or strike me dead where I stand!"

Sanosuke pondered this briefly and nodded. "Right. You wanna be with me when I do? It'll be easier to strike you dead where you stand in case you're wrong."

"Sure, but stop me if I start about blowing stuff up again"

*

As if the day's trials would be stopping there!

"Please please PLEASE tell me you're joking. I mean, do you want me to STARVE!? Get some unhealthy and painful fatal disease?"

"Sumimasen, Sano," Said Kenshin "But it's no joke. Kaoru-dono is making lunch, de gozaru."

"Oh come on, Sanosuke!" The ex-gangster in question was beating a slow rhythm against a post with his forehead. "I've been teaching her! The Miso smells good already! And I've only had to put out seven rice fires this month!"

"Kenshin, it's the 13th of March. I'm glad you managed to get it down to merely one every 2 days, but it's still pathetic. The woman could ruin the Akebeko's cooking just by trying to add salt. She routinely makes YOUR cooking awful merely by attempting to season it, or even carry it to the table. I would rather eat her HAIR, or maybe one of Katsu's bombs."

"Oh no, has your friend been making those again? I heard you two were out late last night, which is usually a bad sign"

Sano sighed deeply. "No, I've headed it off." He decided not to mention the use of physical violence, lest his friend's obviously growing opinion of Sano's maturity be again reduced to a level slightly below Yahiko. "Tired of helping bury those damn thingslet's hope Saitou doesn't come to visit anytime soon, one unlucky flick and he might destroy Tokyo."

Kenshin giggled in an exceptionally girly way. "Hey, umm, Sano" He trailed off.

"Kenshin, whenever you do that I want to snap your cute little neck. Is it possible for you to ask one single question without hesitating or throwing in any polite euphemisms? Just one? Please? For your old pal?"

"Wellwhat's going on withyou know, you and Katsu?" Kenshin eyes shone with a slightly frightening blend of hope and fear.

Which were replaced quickly by pain when Sano smacked him a good one on the back of the head. "Damn, of all the people to ask! I don't have anything like that for Katsu, you redheaded freak, now get your mind out of the gutter. We're just old comrades in arms, and drinking buddies. I value my bachelorhood!"

Kenshin apologized profusely (Which he would have done even if he had COMPLIMENTED Sano, so it didn't mean much), and gave a trademark Rurouni smile (Which he would have done even if shot repeatedly or totally ignored), but deep down this answer made him glad. Because Sano had forgotten to mention the gender of his non-partner. Which meant that maybe, just maybethe gender was not an issue.

The master of Battou-justu began to plot

*

The day was not done with Sagara Sanosuke. Because after spending nearly a quarter of an hour demeaning past instances of Kaoru being allowed to make lunch while this new culinary disaster was crafted, Kaoru refused to allow him to leave until he made full amends. Because Kenshin had somehow managed, after only several years of trying every day, to teach Kaoru to cook. And it was good. And she knew it.

Sanosuke, pinned under the combined weight of a rack of bokkens, Yahiko, and Kaoru, suffered the attentions of Kaoru's shinai until he said he was very sorry that he had made fun of her cooking and how much it had sucked, and how once she had almost burned down the kitchen and how her rice balls were actually less likely to stick together than plain rice from a field, uncooked, and-itai! Fine, the meal was good, can I walk it off now?

_Damn that Kenshineven when he does a good deed of this magnitude he manages to annoy me! Oh well, I'll let this one slide, but if he runs off to Kyoto without me again I'm gonna cram my fist so far up his ass- che, it's Megumi! RUN!!!_

It was indeed Megumi, in her usual unholy splendor, turning heads as she stalked after Sano like a wolf. "Oh SanoSUKE!"

_Kuso! I'm gone!_ Sano took off at top speed around the next corner, and jacket flapping in the wind, ran as fast as he could-

Directly into a road block managed by Ayame, Suzumi, and Kaoru, who was grinning like an idiot and waving the same shinai responsible for the large welts on the back of Sano's head (under Yahiko's teeth impressions).

"I see where this is going, Jou-chan, and I will NOT, repeat NOT be in any way civil to Megumi no matter how you try to force me. I will under no circumstances voluntarily give her the time of day. And I will refer to her ONLY as Kitsune if you don't let me go RIGHT NOW."

"Oh, playing hard to get?" Kaoru was still grinning stupidly, apparently her cooking success had gone to her head. "You know you want to spend more time with the pretty lady, Sano. And here she comes now! I think she has some work for you, maybe I'll go start on dinner since you liked lunch so much."

She sauntered off, apparently unaffected by the mental daggers Sano was using to carve his initials into her back with his eyes.

"Oh rooster-head! So nice to catch up to you!"

Sano said something that would take this story RIGHT off PG-13.

(Heh, I wrote most of this at 10,000 feet! Isn't technology great!? Anyway, I'm still undecided on Sano's future love interest, as much as I want to turn him over to my all-time favorite red-head I might get some slams for that, and it could be tricky because my need to write angst might pop upbut I don't like Megumi at all, and she's playing a totally different role in this story anyway. I'm just blowing off steam and writing about my favorite character in this story, but please do tell me what you think! I love you Koishii! L8r!)

G10ss fr0 j00!!1111

In case you haven't read enough half-translated manga:

Anata= male form of beloved', or dear'

Wakarimasu ka/Wakarimasu= Understand?/I Understand

Aku= Kanji character for Wicked'

Tabi= Basically, Japanese socks!

Zanza= What Sano used to be called, gangster'

Sumimasen= Sorry

-dono= Miss when used on female

de gozaru= Kenshin's annoying little that it is' phrase

Miso= Vegetable soup. Whadya want, a recipe?

Battou-justu= The uber-fast draw cut that Kenshin got his name for. You know, Battousai

Bokken/shinai= wooden swords

Itai= Ow!

Che= Shit!

Kuso= See _che_

Kistsune= Fox. Not to hard, eh?

Jou-chan= Sano's special name for Kaoru, literally little-missy'


	2. Megumi

Chapter 2: Megumi (Written to some Disturbed)

(God this flight is long! Well I guess it would be, since it IS Atlanta to Salt Lake City, but still! At lease I can write, which is good because otherwise I'd be whining about not only being hauled off to a wedding of people I haven't seen for years in a state known mostly for tubers that I refuse to eat, but also not being allowed any type of creative expression on the way. Sighanyway, for all you Megumi fans out there, there's bad news I think, but don't worry, it's a humor fic! EVERYONE gets a happy ending! Enjoy!)

(Sano: Author-kun, are you forgetting the disclaimers just so you can write the I love Jack' aspect of Sanosuke?

T3h jack: Possibly

Sano: Well anata, you still don't own anything besides that hot body of yours, sexy!

T3h jack: Arigato, Sano-kunDomo Arigato)

"Kitsune, let me point out at this juncture that I will NOT be spending any time around you by choice. Not. One. Second. Clear?" Sano was already pissed by Kaoru's meddling in his usual schedule of complaining, and now she wanted to interfere with his love life or lack thereof?

"Well rooster-head, as it happens there is no choice for you! Kaoru asked me to mention something about Akebeko, tonight, and on-the-house-as-long-as-Megumi-sensei-says-you-were-good. And since I can see you drooling from here, I imagine that means you'll be helping me with my errands. How charitable of you!"

_Oh this will be the perfect revenge, I'll bring along Katsu and we'll both get drunk until dawn, that'll show Kaoru to mess with me! And she'll have to pay! All I have to do is be nice to Megumi for a day_

_Hmmcivility towards Megumi for 6 hours versus smirking revenge on chef Kaoru? _Sano's mental scales tipped one way and the other, finally settling on smirking revenge.

"Why of course, doctor Megumi! Where shall we go first?" Sano plastered a smile over his face (He had been holding it against just such a need, usually his only smile was the who, ME!?' smile, which was totally useless since he was ALWAYS guilty of something, so no matter how convincing the expression of innocence it was only proof of him hiding something.).

Megumi blinked, but maintained her graceful air, and gave a lady-like sniff to cover her surprise. "Well then, since you are for once being cooperative and civil we're off to the drug store, I have a few packages to pick up"

Which was apparently Megumi-speak for I want to play a game of let's see how many tons Sano can lift before his spine fractures'. By the time they left for the next test (Let's see how many Kimonos I can try on and ask Sano's opinion about before he snaps at me that they're all the same godammit), Sano was completely concealed behind a thick wall of drugs and herbs, which was good because it disguised his rapidly fading smile of tolerance.

But he persevered through not only the Kimono game, but also a few of Megumi's other favorites, like let's see how much I can taunt Sano about how he dresses before he becomes homicidal', and let's see if I can get Sano to react to me talking about Ken-san and how great he is incessantly'. He stumbled slightly on let's see how much I can tease Sano about the Sekihoutai before he starts screaming', but recovered nicely in let's see if I can accidentally' trip Sano and yell at him for dropping my precious packages' with a well-timed hop over Megumi's out stretched foot.

He was still a ragged mess by the time Megumi-sensei released him with a grudging promise to tell Kaoru that he had behaved himself, and Katsu laughed himself senseless to see his old comrade reduced to such a disheveled state by a mere woman. At least until Sano put his foot through the floor with a petulant stomp and mentioned free sake and food at the Akebeko.

"I'm impressed Sano, that woman must have been hell, but you suffered through it all just so you could treat your friend to a night of drinking and eating and," He fished some dice out of his pocket "Maybe a little gaming once Kaoru's bank breaks?"

Sano sighed contentedly. "That's the life, maybe someday I'll try honest living"

Katsu sniggered.

*

Sano: Author-kun, I think you need a break!

T3h jack: Feh, I can keep going! *Slumps in seat and nearly short-circuits keyboard with drool*

Sano: umm, it looks like t3h jack just passed outhe's so CUTE when he's sleeping! Anyway, I'm taking him off to bed, he'll write the rest of this chapter latercome on anata, let's get you under the covers

*

__

An hour or so later (Writer time, I mean)

"Sho then," Slurred Katsu. "I cut hish-I cut hish-I cut hish head off!!"

Sanosuke, who had of course been in the battle Katsuhiro was talking about laughed raucously, only slightly less drunk then Katsu. The entire bar had begun betting on which one was going to pass out first, and while Sano was a clear favorite, the odds were so good that lots of people put money on his smaller companion.

"How about shome dishe, Katshu?" Asked the inebriated Sano, attempting to rattle some imaginary dice in his hands and falling through a table.

"Put it on the tab," Sighed Kaoru, burying her head in her hands. _This was a BAD idea, I should have stuck with cooking. But Megumi-sensei said he was very well behaved, so I couldn't just say no after I basically promised_

The friends, under Kenshin's watchful eyes, had so far sucked down more than 20 bottles of sake, splitting fairly evenly because while Sano could hold more Katsu drank faster, and had failed to find anyone stupid enough to play dice with a pair of drunken Sekihoutai-gumi ex-members.

Eventually they wandered off, in search of some real gambling (Lesh go play shome dishe!! Shanks, Jou-shan!), and left Yahiko, Kenshin, and Kaoru gasping at the sheer destruction. A fair portion of the sake had ended up on the floor, table or chairs, or other patrons' clothes or children. One table had been destroyed, both of the friends and three spectators had vomited, and the remains of four or five beef hot-pots (and the bowls they had come in) lay in a sad and mangled heap.

Sighing, the Kenshin-gumi and the Akebeko staff set to work, mopping, washing, paying off, and negotiating a payment plan

Sano and Katsu somehow managed to make it to a gambling establishment they recognized, and lost all of their money in maybe 30 minutes before being forcibly ejected by a team of twelve burly enforcers.

As they wandered home, sheapered along by Kenshin, who had declared himself their protection on the dark streets, Katsuhiro and Sanosuke belted out at the top of their lungs every single profane or crude song they both remembered, the Hitokiri shaking his head as he prevented them from actually running into walls.

"-and then they came home and SPANKED THE TANOOKI!!!" Bellowed the drunken pair, Sano maybe 3 seconds ahead of Katsu, and an octave deeper. "Hey Kenshin, you should get home to the raccoondoesn't she need some lovin'?!" Sanosuke tried a pelvic thrust and glanced off a beam, slightly splintering it.

"For the last time, Kaoru-dono and I do not have that kind of relationship, Sano! I mean, why don't you just go home to Megumi? It's the same problem."

"Huh!? Me an the kitsune? I'd rather go home with Katsu!" Everyone besides Kenshin fell to the ground, writhing in good humor at the idea. The Hitokiri did not look amused. "Yes, why not?" He asked, vaguely angry for reasons he didn't totally understand.

"I'm not THAT drunk," said Katsu, on his third try for getting up. "He's the wrongthingy. Sex?" Sano snickered. "Gender, dumbass!"

"I dunno though," He continued. "I mean, I guess we couldHEY! SHANO!! WANNA GO SHCREW!!??" 

"Why not? Lesh go!"

They didn't even make it to the door step, however, and thanks to Kenshin awoke fully clothed the next afternoon, with hangovers TWICE as bad as the last ones.

(Sano: Author-kun, I'm gonna get you for this.

T3h jack: Oh don't whine, maybe you'll, umm, _make it all the way in_ next time!

Sano: that was in very poor taste.

T3h jack: What do you care?

Sano: Good point, woofie-kins! Let's go buy really tight shorts!

Disclaimer: T3h Jack is not gay. He promises

Sano: YOU'RE NOT!?!

T3h Jack: Well no, but we can still have fun in my author's notes, right?

Sano: Sure, sexy!

Lol, only a couple chapters and a few more hours into this trip and the story already seems to be pretty completedon't worry though, I'll think of some more conflict! I re-charge my humor writing energy banks by playing Tetris (Mac version!), and I've got a new high score to beat, I'll see y'all next chapter! I love you Koishii! L8r!)


	3. Kenshin

Chapter 3: Kenshin (Written to The Burbs', I got to a hotel and it's on Comedy Central)

(OK, I did say I wasn't gay, right? Right? Good. That having been said, some of my characters may be. Please don't hate them. Tolerance is good. Tolerance is nice.

Sano: Author-kun, come back to bed!

T3h Jack: *Whispering* Shut UP, anata!

Anyway, I dunno where this is going to, but I have new Inuyasha manga, which means I may be working on a new Inu fic soonthis wasn't meant to be really long anyway. Was it? Oh well! Enjoy!)

"Oww" Chorused the hung-over friends, somewhere around four in the afternoon on the day following their Kaoru-funded binge. "My head" "No, MY head"

"Jesuswhy did we both crash at your place, Katsu? It's all kinda fuzzyI think I passed out on the door, that would explain the dent"

"Umm, I think we had decided to go and"

"OH."

"Yeah."

"I wish I could say oro', like Kenshin, but I don't go for that polite bullshit."

"Ummlet's just never speak of it again, ok?"

"Ummsure?"

Katsu gave Sano the most searching and scary glare that Sano could ever remember receiving until he agreed that they would not, indeed, ever speak of it again.

*

"Hey! Kenshin!"

The master of Battou-justu turned from his laundry. Apparently it was just his way of dealing with the deaths on his conscience. And besides, teaching Kaoru to cook was hazardous to his clothing, despite the fact that he wore the exact same thing every day of his life.

"Konnichi-wa, Sano-kun!" Sano was a little taken aback by the endearment, but considering what he was here to talk about

"Umm, I was wondering if you wanted to, umm, maybe play some dice tonight, come and have a few games over at my place."

Kenshins' eyes widened slightly. "Alone." Finished Sano, lamely.

"Sessha would like thatde gozaru"

*

Oh come on, did you really think it would be THAT easy!? Hell no!

"Oh Sanosuke!"

_KUSO!! KUSOKUSOKUSO!!!!_ "Heya, Megumi. Umm, I'm sort of expecting company" *leer, but not to obvious because Megumi might rat on him and Kaoru was already pissed enough* "so perhaps you could come back some other time."

"Heh, sure, companybut all I wanted to say is that I'm sorry I was so cruel to you yesterday, although judging by the state of the Akebeko you've exacted revenge on Kaoru. Ummwell you may be crude and vile at times, but I still owe you for stopping me from slitting my wrists back when we first met. So thanks."

_OK, so let's get this straight. After finally admitting I have feelings for Kenshin, not to mention getting shot down by my best friend, I'm now finally being hit on by the hot chick who's been making fun of me for years. Wonderful. Shall I flip a coin?_

"Well, Kitsune, any particular reason you're apologizing to me now?" Either way, he decided, he was gonna make her squirm first. _But I already know who I'm choosing._

She sighed, leaned forward, and kissed him full on the mouth. Chaste, but only by means of the Zanza'a iron lips.

Megumi sighed and leaned back. "Well, I guess I learned well from you. Gambled and lost." Sano grinned. "Pretty much, but you get a consolation prize. Come back tommorow and I'll introduce you to Katsuhiro"

*

Megumi was walking back along to the clinic, cursing herself in a way that would have made Sano proud.

_Godammit, I can't believe it! I thought I had it worked out! That he couldn't resist! I was SO SURE that his pride was all that was holding him backand what the hell kind of reaction did I get? He said he'd introduce me to his friend Katsu. Didn't even make fun of me!_

Her reflection was cut short by a massive explosion nearby. A column of smoke extended above the trees just outside of town, crimson flames enveloping the trees. She ran, hoping to find survivors to heal.

But only one man was in the blast radius, and he limped away unassisted, blue jacket scorched, sword at his hip, and golden eyes flaming with fury.

The Wolf of Mibu had finally seen convincing proof that smoking, or rather throwing away half-finished cigarettes, was very, very unhealthy. Very unhealthy indeed.

*

Sano: Author-kun, does Saitou HAVE to show up? He's obviously gonna interfere with me and my new boy toy, not to mention calling me an ahou until I wanna rip his sneering face off and make him eat it.

T3h jack: Sorry, anata, but the plot needed extending, and it's either write more or watch TV! And even though we get decent cable in this hotel room, Trigun isn't on until 2 AM because we're on western time now! Or something like thathell time zones are so complicated.

Sano: You're cute when you're angry, Jack-kun! Of course you're cute the rest of the time too

T3h jack: You know, you were NEVER this gay on the show, how did I decide to use you as a total fruit in my author's notes again?

Sano: Because I'm a sexy beast?

T3h jack: Oh yeah, thanks sexy, I forgot.

*

"Sessha hopes you are not here to ask him to Kyoto again,, Saitou-san. Ga de gorazu yo."

"Well sessha has nothing to worry about, so tell him to shut his mouth. I heard some reports about buried explosive caches around the Tokyo area, and decided to come investigate."

The former Shinsengumi squad leader's eyes glittered threateningly. "The reports were true, and someone is going to PAY for my favorite suit.

"In BLOOD."

*

"Kenshin! Finally!" Shouted Sano when his date tardily pulled open the Shoji panel, panting from the sprint.

"Sano-kunI'm sorry, but there's big trouble coming, de gozaru! Your friend Tsukioka-san is in great danger!"

"Katsu? Was he behind that big explosion a bit back!? I know we were out drinking pretty late, but I was sure that Captain Sagara never came up"

"Wellremember that joke you made about Saitou? And flicking butts into those buried explosives?" Sano nodded, dreading the sentence that he sensed was coming next.

"Let me guess. Saitou's here. And on the way he tossed one of those burning spit-drenched wads of weeds into a cache of Katsu's bombs."

Kenshin nodded, with trademarked Ruruoni smile in place. "Hai. And he is NOT happy about it. De gozaru ga. He looks about ready to Gotatsu someone to the wall. I don't want your friend to get hurt, especially after all the work I put into making sure he never committed any crimes"

"Wellwhat say we give it some time. Maybe Saitou will give it up if he cools down enough. And I should stay out of it, he'll blame me if he gets half a chance"

"Trueand I want you to get hurt even less than I want Kaoru-dono to be harmed. And you know I value her beyond life itself by a large margin." _Kami-sama, please let him care for me as much as I do for him_

Sitting there looking sad and forlorn and worrying his cute little ass off was about the hottest Kenshin had ever seemed to Sano. "Maybe in the morning," He said, crossing the room to where his friend sat, crimson bangs hanging haphazardly "we can solve all the problems ya want. Until then, however"

Sano lowered himself and kissed Kenshin softly on the forehead, and then the tip of his nose. "Until then, let's just have fun."

The next kiss was on the mouth, and they went lower and lower

*

Kenshin awoke, nestled under the futon's covers, one cheek resting on his lover's broad chest. Sano's broad arm looped over his bare back, the other one provided a pillow for his own head.

Kenshin's hands were other places entirely.

Sano grumbled, and opened his eyes slightly. He saw Kenshin, and was wide awake so fast he nearly flung Kenshin across the room when he sat up.

"Kami-sama! Gomen, Ken-kun, but I'm not used to having other people in bed"

The Hitokiri just laughed. "Don't worry, anata. Sessha is not used to this eithersessha should go back to the dojo before Kaoru begins hunting him, but he insists you come over for breakfast."

Sanosuke kissed him again. "Only if you're cooking, anataonly if you're cooking."

(Sano: Author-kun, thanks for Kenshin and all, but you should really go write an FOD entry or something, maybe beat another Tetris high score, because you're going downhill!

T3h jack: I know, but godammit my stupid sister wants to watch that 70s show! Can't even flip to the Friday night stand-up!

Sano: That's awful, anata! I hope she dies!

T3h jack: Me too, Sano-kunme too. Anyway, I say this sucker has about one more chapter left in it!

Sano: I concur! Next time; Saitou learns the benefits of a smoke-free life, the ladies are all up ons, the guys get nasty again, and Katsu gets his ass saved! Till then!

T3h jack: I love you, Koishii! L8r!)


	4. Saitou

Chapter 4: Saitou (Written to the Powerpuff Girls and some Saturday night stand up (Day 1) Followed by Hybrid Theory OVER AND OVER AND OVER because I'm to lazy to change (Day 2). GOD I love that CD)

(Sano: Well, anata, feeling all ready to write us another couple thousand words?

T3h jack: Sure am, sexy! We'll have a little fun with Saitou, introduce one of my all-time favorite authors, and of course you can get more of Kenshin's cooking, if you know what I mean.

Sano: Well don't just sit there, write this shit!

T3h jack: Always so eager, Sano-kun! Lemme turn off the AC, it's friggin freezing in here-there, time to get with it! Enjoy, loyal readers!)

Saitou had been housed at the Kamiya dojo, much as he despised the idea of sleeping under the same roof as what he had termed the tanooki terror'.

_Of all the days to lose my cigarettes, not to mention any desire to consume themI'll never be able to toss away a smoldering butt with such disregard ever again. And now, without them, I have to spend weeks in this god forsaken town to seek revenge for my favorite blue jacketI can't return to the precinct in Kyoto without at least a head or two to show for the loss of my trademark uniform!_

"Rise and shine, Saitou-san!" Cheered Kaoru. "Kenshin has been teaching me to cook, even Sano admits it's good!"

"Feh, as though I'd respect any opinion offered by that moron," Sneered Saitou, not one to lose a crappy attitude in the face of good news.

"Well then, if I might be allowed to leave my bed without an audience"

"Oh! Sorryumm, I'll wait in the hall!"

_Strange, _thought Saitou, as a small part of him died with the donning of one of Kenshin's identical magenta and white get-ups. _Since when does raccoon-girl seek my company? Hmm, maybe it's this manly magentano, her and the Kitsune both were practically glued to me yesterday, and I had to ASK where the tanooki's dearest Kenshin was for her to even notice his absence!_

Sure enough, as soon as he stepped outside he was staring into the big, worshipful eyes of a certain assistant kendo instructor, which hovered over a large plate stuffed with what smelled like decent food. Not something that he had been told to expect from the tanooki.

"Now if we can but get the Battousai to teach you to fight, we could dispense with him altogether."

It was as close to a compliment as Saitou got

*

_Oh my godI had never seen how dreamy he was beforewithout that stupid cigarette, making him smell bad, and cough, and squint, and hiding his face behind the smoke, and making his eyes all redthis must be the Saitou his wife married_

*

_Is it tommorow yet? Better hope so, Sanosuke, because I'm comin_

Megumi had spent a drunken evening drowning her sorrows about a love never had, much less lost, not to mention that Saitou characternow THERE was a hunk!

_But Sano isunreceptive, and Saitou is married, and Kaoru has dibs on Ken-san, and I NEED SOME LOVING. So I might as well meet this Katsu person_

But when Megumi reached Sano's tiny and cramped apartment, there was a nasty surprise in store. Because before her very eyes, when Sano walked out the door, he was following Kenshin. And they didn't quite make it out of the house before Sano was pulled down for a kiss.

A long kiss.

Megumi decided that she had had WAY to much to drink that night, and would ask Sano about his friend later, when she no longer saw him making out with the best swordsman in Japan.

*

In a rustic cabin concealed on a mountain outside of Kyoto, the best swordsman in Japan sneezed violently, ruining the pot he had been carefully crafting.

"BAKA DEISHI!!! STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!!!"

*

"Did you hear anything, anata?" Asked Kenshin.

"Not a thing. How about that breakfast?"

*

Which is how the entirety of the Kenshin-gumi, plus Saitou and minus Megumi, was gathered at the dojo when the strange European woman walked in through the open gate.

"Umm, Konnichi-wa, guys!"

Saitou turned very very white. "Oh Kami-sama. What are you doing here!? You aren'tyou know"

"No, of course not! I just got an invitation."

Everyone else was just staring. "Ummdid we miss something?" Asked Kaoru, feeling suddenly very jealous.

"No, I simply chose not to inform you," Said Saitou, refusing to relinquish his annoying outlook on life simply because something totally unexpected had happened. "This is Stealiana. She'spowerful. In many ways. I imagine she has an excellent reason for coming here?"

"She does indeed, ANATA," Said the newly christened Stealiana. Saitou, if possible, became even paler. "It seems that t3h jack was not liking the direction you were taking his story. Something like to hard to write', and I wanna go play Tetris'."

"And so he's turning you over to me. FOREVER." Stealiana gave an evil little laugh, and dragged Saitou straight through a hole that suddenly appeared in the air. The last they heard from Saitou was something like "NOO!!! NOT THE HAREM!!!"

A tiny wisp of smoke was all that was left of the strange foreigner and the ex-Shinsengumi unit leader.

"Well that was weird." Chorused everyone.

*

Megumi, after a few cold baths and smelling salts, decided that she was in fact sober, and always had been. Which meant that Sano had indeed kissed Kenshin, and that Kenshin had indeed reached around a grabbed the Zanza'a ass.

_I got beaten out by a GUY, not just any guy mind you, but the other one in town I liked. Wonderful. BOTH of the cute, strong, and caring guys that protected me have abandoned me, FOR EACH OTHER, and I don't have anything to live for._

She sat in the middle of Sano's futon, where she could smell her loves, and the scent of their loving ,filling the room

She held in her hands one of the scalpels from the clinic, positioned above her left wrist. It hardly trembled at all.

_All the people I've hurt with the opium I was forced to make, and then the Oniwabbanshu, why should I have expected anyone to love me? It would have been wasted. Goodbye, cruel-_

Knock. Knock. "Sano! Did you hear!? Saitou set off one of my bomb caches! That son of a-" The Shoji panel slid open.

At the sight of the long, flowing black hair, and icy blue eyes, Megumi grabbed Katsu, dragged him in, and closed the door with one foot. _Give it one more shot_

"Umm hi, who the hell are-" She kissed him, and was pleasantly surprised when he kissed right back.

"I'm Megumi. You must be Tsukioka. Now shut up and take off your clothes."

*

Sano: Wow, author-kun, you wrote all this in TWO DAYS!?

T3h jack: Well one and a half really, it's incredible what you can do with no hotmail or AIM to distract you!

Sano: Jeez, anata, you should take a little break with me

T3h jack: Lemme finish up here, I'm gonna have you walk in on Meg and Katsu. Hilarity will ensue. Plus, the good guitar solo on Jesus Freak starts NOW! (Guitar Solo) Kami-sama, you've gotta love that shit! I'll come back to bed in a couple more paragraphs, Sano-kun.

*

"You know, Ken-kun," Said Sanosuke, as they walked along the roads (and alleys) leading back to Sano's modest abode "In all that confusion, I never did get any of your cooking"

"Well anata, when we get to your place I'll do a little cooking for you, de gozaru yo. And I think you'll like it."

Sano shivered with anticipation. "I'll have to wring the recipe out of you someday"

"I'll give you a hint: You're my secret ingredient, sexy."

"So that's the sweet taste!"

Kenshin flung his arms around Sano's shoulders, and buried his face in his neck, right as he slid the front door open-

To reveal a surprised Megumi and a guilty looking Katsu in a position that can only be described as compromising'.

Sano simply stared until his lover softly bit his shoulder, and he realized Kenshin had yet to open his eyes. So with one hand he stroked the redhead's flaming mane, and with the other he gave Katsu a sekihoutai-style salute.

Katsu raised his hand automatically, hesitated, then grinned, and returned the salute. _You owe me a new futon_ mouthed Sano, as he slid the door shut again.

"Actually, anata, I have some errands to run" Katsu and Megumi grinned, and returned towhatever it was they were doing.

*

Sanosuke's life never stopped being complicated. It would have taken the zest, the spice, out of living.

But it got better. Oh yeah. It got better.

(Sano: Hey, good one, author-kun, everyone seems to be pretty happyexcept of course Tokio and Kaoru! Neither of them have husbands now!

T3h jack: Well, if I got THAT bored I could always write a chapter for them, but let's just pretend they don't exist for now, huh? Besides, Stealiana might always bring Saitou back, and then as long as he doesn't smoke any more Kaoru and Tokio could share him!

Sano: That might be a story in itself, anata!

T3h jack: True, it might, but I'm a little burnt out right now, and 10th grade honors English II wants me to read The Three Musketeers and expound on main conflicts and characters. And it's a Pre-IB class!

Sano: Damn your parents to the deepest hells!

T3h jack: Indeed. But don't worry, sexy, I'll make sure you don't get cold at nights.

Until next time, fair and gentle readers! I love you, Koishii! L8r all the rest! Drop me a line whether or not you liked it, I live for feedback, and even if it made you CRY it was so bad it won't get any better unless you tell me about it. Shout out to DA LIST (See chapter 1), Sam and Shelly (Hey Koishii!), and all my friends back home. P34C3 H4X FR0 J00!!!111)


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